THABISO MAHLAPE | Ability to start all over an incredible gift that must be appreciated to the full

You are not dreaming, this is not a simulation, I really am back.

I’ve deliberated about an incredibly special way to say I’m back, but I drew blanks. So, to everyone who stopped me in the street or harassed me when I was with my father about what had happened to my column, here it is.  

Writing is incredibly important to me and as it has been known to be, my writing is deeply personal, and reflective of my lived experiences. In what can be seen as some kind of mental illness, I have been incredibly sad not to have been able to share my life with complete strangers. We have a lot of catching up to do.

When I left the paper, it was so that I could fully engage with the work and requirements of running a business. I had just gone solo on my business ventures and felt that I needed to devote all my energies to that.

At that point, I had no way of knowing that I would lose a shocking number of friends to Covid-19, that I too would have life-threatening Covid while I was pregnant or that the business I’d put my life on hold for would not work out.

There was simply no way I’d have known and/or estimated the economic fallout that would befall so many of us because of the pandemic. Even Chinua Achebe himself could not have anticipated the spectacular way in which things would fall apart.

If you had told me at the beginning of the pandemic that today, after eight years of self-employment, that I’d be in formal employment, I might have laughed. And yet that is exactly where I am. I am in the process of picking up my life.

Due to the public nature of my previous job, the demise of my business played out publicly, I was called names by people I have never met and or interacted with.

The last time something like that happened, I remember my soul being so crushed I may very well have been dead for a few days. And how I got out of it that time, was remembering that nothing but death should feel like death. But as humans we forget that we have pulled ourselves out of darkness before and that we can do it again.

In my recent episode, it wasn’t until I came across a video clip online that I allowed myself to breathe fully again.  The video was of news reader Kgopedi Lilokoe being interviewed on grief and mourning.

And what is the loss of a business and a dream if not heaps of grief? Kgopedi said in this interview: “Don’t die before your actual death, just because you have buried a loved one.”

I felt something move in my spirit. Yes it hurts, but you didn’t die. Yes it's humiliating, but you did not die. It would be impractical to ask that we not feel these things. But it really is just that, it’s pain, it’s shame but it is not death.

As human beings we tend to imagine that our failures must carry the heavy burden of shame, and while a little shame is healthy, a lot of it will cripple you. 

And so this is how I have come to where I am now, in appreciating the incredible gift that is the ability to start over. Starting over does not look the same for all us. But there is always a point from which you can start again. What about the people who laughed and gossiped? What about them? Use their laughter as the point where you start over.

I turned 40 last month, and on the day of my birthday my sister reminded me that our mother had not lived to see 40 and that I had broken a generational curse. Why would I not start over when I have the gift of air in my lungs? If you ever had Covid you will agree that air in your lungs is a gift.

Sharing my story and my life may seem overly self-indulgent to some, but I have heard enough stories to know that I’m not alone.

I have seen enough to know that we all need a reminder now and again. And so if this lands in the hands of just one person who desperately needs a reminder to live, I would have paid for my future sins.